There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Florida be like…
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
🙂🙃🥹
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.