Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*