Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house