A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip