Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what