Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested