[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
You Might Also Like
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me driving through Toronto
😎 🍻
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.