I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.