Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged