how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Birds & Planes.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
(more comics:
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.