I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.