Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.