As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil