[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.