I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
she has a point
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!