Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Found the job I’m suited for
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.