If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.