*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*