Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.