I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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Name this drama.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”