How all things should be taught/explained.
You Might Also Like
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Oops
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher