INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
You Might Also Like
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Hit me in the face with a bird
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
That’s it.I’m out.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.