me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
You Might Also Like
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports