do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You Might Also Like
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy