Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow