It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
pizza
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.