Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
In my 20鈥檚: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40鈥檚: oh.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?