I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
SPLOOT
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son