Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.