Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.