they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
You Might Also Like
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”