Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow