the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting