Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Yup
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this