“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.