[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
S O O N
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: