I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.