If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My favorite farside!!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Same pineapple, same
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family