[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles