Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.