I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.