Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
New menu item
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
synchronized noseblowing
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious