Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.