I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that