I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Life cycle of cat
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.