I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
this is how life feels
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!