Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
No. YOU-buprofen.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat