Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Fidel Castro was alive?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.