If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.