If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
What
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit